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Apple launches iSlave mind-control device

Handheld gadget makes controlling slaves easy and hip

iSlaveApple Computers today unveiled its long-awaited iSlave mind control device. Aimed at law enforcement officers, UN stormtroopers and New World Order henchmen, the handheld unit allows users to take over the actions of nearby citizens while also checking email, tweeting and listening to iTunes.

"Initially, it will work only on long-time Apple users," said a company spokesdrone at the launch. "Until the Government gets going with its large-scale brainwashing and chipping program, we'll have to rely on that portion of the population that's used to doing what it's told."

According to the official announcement, the iSlave runs on a 50MHz ARM CPU chip, and uses RFID technology reversed engineered from the alien craft that crashed at Roswell. Apple claims that the 850g device will run for as much as 30 minutes between charges and can control slaves at distances of up to 5 metres.

The iSlave has a 3in touchscreen allowing the use of mouse gestures to gain fast access to commands such as 'run', 'stop' and 'open fire'.

A number of apps have been announced to coincide with the launch.

  • SlaveMaster integrates with the Bento database package to allow users to manage groups of slaves. It also links to iCal so that busy henchmen can schedule slave actions in the future, with automatic pop-up alerts and color-coding for different slave types.
  • FaceSlave automatically updates each slave's Facebook status with what they're doing, and to whom.
  • SlavePod allows slavemasters to download music from the iTunes Music Store direct to the slave's iPod (all slaves have iPods). Apple has signed deals with a number of record companies to provide suitable tracks which, it's believed, contain hidden messages. The first to become available will be James Blunt's new album 'Squeal like a girl' aimed at male mind-control sex slaves.
  • SlaveWave uses Google Wave to co-ordinate actions between slavemasters, as well as letting them share digital photos of what their slaves are up to (not available in China).
  • SlaveWall automatically 'terminates' slaves who try to go beyond the range of the iSlave (available only in China).

Some firms have complained that the apps they submitted for the iSlave have been rejected by Apple. Most of those companies have since disappeared.

One app, HappyClappyApple, which makes owners of Apple products buy everything the company produces, was initially approved but was later withdrawn by the company as being "redundant". 

Apple also used the launch event to announce its new iPad tablet computer. Every journalist attending the event bought one.



Chain up your PCs !!

Hackers steal computers over Internet!!

Hackers don't just want your identity or your money any more - they're after your computer!

Hackers stealing computers over InternetAn international band of computer hackers is stealing computers across the globe - via the Internet!

"It's a connected world now, thanks to the Net," said computer security expert Steve Glister. "Gone are the days when thieves needed to actually break into your house to carry off the hardware. Now you can do anything on the Internet, including ripping off the computers themselves."

Using special 'trojan' techniques originally developed by the NSA and other government security agencies - known as Hardware Transport Trojan Protocol, or 'http' - the cyber-muggers are able to use an Internet connection to digitally move the hardware.

"We think most of the computers are ending up in China, Russia and Nigeria," says Glister, "but it's hard to be certain. Their clever use of proxies means it's difficult to know where the computers go. But we're pretty sure that, once at their final destination, they're stripped down, resprayed and sold on the black market as 'new' computers."

One victim, artist Dougal Slipway, described his shock at finding his desktop PC had vanished. "I thought something was wrong. I looked around for the manual, and when I turned back the computer was gone! I switched off the modem, but it was too late."

Some victims have had their laptops stolen while using so-called Internet cafés. "These places have high-speed net connections," explained Glister. "A skilled hacker can download a laptop in under two seconds."

In the past, hackers have been mostly interested in stealing passwords, bank account details and other items of personal information. But filching the entire computer is more effective, Glister claims. "They can search the hard disk at their leisure to find the information they need to empty your bank account."

The problem mostly affects PCs running Microsoft Windows. "You'd think they'd go for high-value Apple Macintosh kit," said Professor Phil Rotsky, deputy head of the InfoSec department at Bradbury Community College, Elk's Elbow, Manitoba. "But they're actually hard to re-sell. Everyone who wants a Macintosh already has one."

On the other hand, Rotsky believes that the Apple iPhone might be the next big target for the cyber-muggers. "With 3G capability, it's connected at reasonable speed to the Internet. And you can usually sell iPhones to the same users over and over."

Glister, who works for anti-virus software firm McClammyAV, said his company is about to roll out, "a platform-independent, network-enabled hardware security solution" that he described as "an innovative approach to client-based location-fixing technology" and which cynical IT journalists described as "a padlock".

In the meantime, Glister recommends chaining your computer to your desk and disconnecting the Internet cable when the PC is unattended.