Black hole eats Moon
The Moon is shrinking and by 2012 it will have vanished completely, warn astrophysics conspiracy experts. And it's all the fault of top secret NASA experiments that have gone badly wrong.
Whistleblower organization NASAConspiracyWatch has obtained images under a Freedom of Information request that clearly show wrinkles forming on the lunar surface - some of them very recent.
"It's possible that the Moon's diameter has decreased by as much as 300ft since we started taking measurements," says William H Carpenter, head of the Carpenter Foundation for Belief in Science. "After we broke the story, NASA has started trying to add its own spin, calling the shrinkage natural and ancient. It's anything but."
So-called 'lobate scarps', photographed by NASA's spy satellite, the Lunar Reconnaissance Orbiter (LRO), are giant wrinkles formed as the Moon's core shrinks and the surface contracts. The fact that some of these run through young craters prove that the shrinkage is recent.
"There can only be one explanation," says Carpenter. "Or maybe two."
He points to lunar bombing raids carried out by the US Air Force under the guise of NASA missions. "These were intended to destroy underground alien bases," says Carpenter, "but there has almost certainly been some collateral damage. It's possible that the Moon's crust has been compromised allowing the escape of gases and, you know, other stuff. Now the Moon is collapsing like a punctured balloon."
However, Carpenter says a more probable explanation is that the disappearing Moon is the result of a scientific experiment that went badly wrong. What's more, the scientists were warned this could happen.
"We're all familiar with the controversy over the Large Hadron Collider (LHC), which is purported to be buried under Switzerland," says Carpenter. "Scientists knew that attempts to create the Higgs boson with such large energies would lead to the creation of a black hole. Well, now that's happened."
Carpenter points out that scientists at CERN in Switzerland have so far failed to produce any data, or even get their collider up to full power.
"The reason is simple," says Carpenter. "The LHC isn't there. It's on the Moon."
A secret international cabal of scientists have colluded with NASA to move the LHC to the recently discovered Mare Ingenii moon cave (pictured right). "The only thing buried under Switzerland is Nazi gold," says Carpenter.
"They've powered up the LHC, smashed those atoms and created the first artificial black hole," Carpenter adds. "And now it's eating the Moon. The problem is, once it's finished with the Moon, we're next."
End of the World is Nigh!
The world will end on Friday the 13th April 2029, says NASA. A huge asteroid will crash into our planet, destroying all forms of life and turning the Earth into a desolate, lifeless galactic wilderness.
According to NASA, there's now a one-in-250,000 chance that the asteroid Apophis will hit the Earth during a 2038 fly-by.
"That's about 160 times more likely than winning the lottery," says apocalypse specialist Dr Willam H Carpenter, "and people win lotteries every day."
But that's not all. Apophis will also swing by nine years earlier, in 2029, when on current estimates it will get as close as 18,300 miles.
"That's 4,000 miles closer than the geosynchronous satellites on which our global communications depend," explains Carpenter. "The asteroid will actually have to pass through the orbits of man-made spacecraft. In astronomical terms, 18,300 miles is a hair's breadth."
And it gets worse.
"The real problem is that these estimates are all based on Government-supplied data," says Carpenter. "When was the last time you believed in Government figures? They only have to be out by a fraction and we're all toast."
The problem, he says, is that Apophis was only recently discovered. According to NASA, the asteroid was first identified in 2004. Since then, the space agency has constantly revised the odds of the celestial body impacting the Earth and destroying us all.
"The truth is, we just don't have enough data to guarantee that we'll survive these close encounters," says Carpenter. "That means we almost certainly won't."
It all adds up to Doomsday, he reckons. The surface of the Earth will be reduced to ash and life will become extinct.
"Using the NASA predictions, and applying standard Government margins of error, I confidently predict that Life on Earth will end in 2029," says Carpenter. "If not, it'll be 2038. That's assuming we haven't all been killed in the apocalypse of 2012."
God is in the details
Scientists working at a research facility in England claim they have identified the gene that makes us believe in God.
Working with genetically modified mice, the scientists found that animals without the co-called 'God gene' were less afraid, more inquisitive about the world around them and were better at solving problems. The godless mice also tended to sleep more on Sundays.
When faced with the same problems, mice bred so that the God gene was dominant were more likely to sit around waiting for something to happen. If the scientists intervened, the god-fearing mice would cower in groups, roll over in apparent ecstasy or simply die of shock.
In later experiments, the scientists removed the same gene from dogs and found that they were no longer obedient and in some cases approached the intelligence levels of cats.
A study of the human genome revealed an identical gene that is usually paired with genetic markers for long arms and low brows.
The scientists have requested anonymity for themselves and the institution for which they work, fearing a backlash from both fundamentalist believers and militant atheists.
"At first sight, this would seem to be an evolutionary anomaly," said Christopher Hawkins, the scientist, controversial columnist and award-winning author of Screw God: why believers are nutjobs. "After all, what is the evolutionary advantage of selecting for fear and subservience? However, it is clearly a way of making people obedient to a leader — probably someone without the gene — in times of crisis. This is another example of how society and our own intellectual development have outpaced our genetic makeup. We simply not longer benefit from this adaptation and, in time, we will see it disappear. Should only take a million years or so."
However, not everyone agrees.
"This is the clearest sign yet of God's existence," said evangelical minister and billionaire, Seth Kredulous. "If there's a gene that makes us believe, it must be because God put it there. He wants us to love, obey and fear him and this is His way of making sure we do."
Homosexuals are destroying the planet. That's the stunning conclusion of a report by a British scientist working for a worldwide research institute.
"Global warming is a gay issue," said the organization's chief para-scientist, Professor Helmut Junk at a press conference yesterday. "The heat generated in discos, bath houses, the manufacture of interior furnishings, leather tanning and the result of ... um .... friction, is a major contributor to the global rise in mean temperature. There are also lifestyle issues, such as homosexuals' liking for gas-guzzling Jeeps and the environmental impact of frequent vacations in Ibiza, Gran Canaria, San Francisco and Margate."
He denied, however, that gays' fondness for houseplants and gardening offsets their carbon footprint to a degree.
Prof Junk's work is sponsored by the United Faith Science & Biblical Truth Foundation. According to the organization's marketing material, "The UFS&BTF adopts a far more rigorous attitude to science than most scientists. The science community in general is all too willing to accept ideas — even the most bizarre and outlandish theories such as evolution, relativity and paleontology — based on little more than data, factual evidence and predictability. Our organization adopts a more selective and stringent approach. That's because we go the extra mile and ensure that our ideas conform with the ultimate test of reason and commonsense — the Word of God."
While refusing to release the details of the study, Junk added: "The important thing is that, at last, we have the most convincing and morally correct proof, in scientific-sounding terms, about the roots of this important issue."