Black hole eats Moon
The Moon is shrinking and by 2012 it will have vanished completely, warn astrophysics conspiracy experts. And it's all the fault of top secret NASA experiments that have gone badly wrong.
Whistleblower organization NASAConspiracyWatch has obtained images under a Freedom of Information request that clearly show wrinkles forming on the lunar surface - some of them very recent.
"It's possible that the Moon's diameter has decreased by as much as 300ft since we started taking measurements," says William H Carpenter, head of the Carpenter Foundation for Belief in Science. "After we broke the story, NASA has started trying to add its own spin, calling the shrinkage natural and ancient. It's anything but."
So-called 'lobate scarps', photographed by NASA's spy satellite, the Lunar Reconnaissance Orbiter (LRO), are giant wrinkles formed as the Moon's core shrinks and the surface contracts. The fact that some of these run through young craters prove that the shrinkage is recent.
"There can only be one explanation," says Carpenter. "Or maybe two."
He points to lunar bombing raids carried out by the US Air Force under the guise of NASA missions. "These were intended to destroy underground alien bases," says Carpenter, "but there has almost certainly been some collateral damage. It's possible that the Moon's crust has been compromised allowing the escape of gases and, you know, other stuff. Now the Moon is collapsing like a punctured balloon."
However, Carpenter says a more probable explanation is that the disappearing Moon is the result of a scientific experiment that went badly wrong. What's more, the scientists were warned this could happen.
"We're all familiar with the controversy over the Large Hadron Collider (LHC), which is purported to be buried under Switzerland," says Carpenter. "Scientists knew that attempts to create the Higgs boson with such large energies would lead to the creation of a black hole. Well, now that's happened."
Carpenter points out that scientists at CERN in Switzerland have so far failed to produce any data, or even get their collider up to full power.
"The reason is simple," says Carpenter. "The LHC isn't there. It's on the Moon."
A secret international cabal of scientists have colluded with NASA to move the LHC to the recently discovered Mare Ingenii moon cave (pictured right). "The only thing buried under Switzerland is Nazi gold," says Carpenter.
"They've powered up the LHC, smashed those atoms and created the first artificial black hole," Carpenter adds. "And now it's eating the Moon. The problem is, once it's finished with the Moon, we're next."
Extraterrestrials buy home in Earth orbit
Cash-strapped space agency NASA has sold the International Space Station (ISS) - to a bunch of aliens!
As part of the deal, NASA gets to continue using the orbiting platform for 13 weeks a year until 2030, under a timeshare agreement.
"Although President Obama's recent budget changes have extended the life of the ISS to 2020, we were still looking at some big bills," said Dr Buzz Ablative, a one-time consultant to NASA. "The Space Station is getting old now, and the whole damn thing needs a new coat of paint. And with this money, we can think about adding some additional modules. A conservatory would be nice."
Neither NASA nor the Government would release details of the deal, or who's bought the ISS except to say that they come from a galaxy far, far away.
"Actually, we're not sure where they're from," said a NASA insider who asked not to be named. "Nor are we entirely sure what they want the ISS for. There was some talk about vacations, but they've already submitted plans for adding something called a BSE. I believe that stands for 'Bovine Storage Extension'."
According to the same source, the agreement between the extraterrestrial entities and NASA comes with a number of conditions. "They want us to widen all the hatches and install softer lighting," he said. "But apparently they don't need sleeping facilities."
There is some concern among US astronauts about the aliens' plan to enlarge the medical module on the ISS to three times its current size. "It seems that they need plenty of room for medical procedures of some kind," said Ablative.
He added: "On another note, they've submitted a request for a full list of the 'probes' that the ISS currently carries. I'm not sure what they mean by that."
There are rumours that NASA may have got an even better deal than they first thought. "The aliens have paid for 39 weeks a year until 2030," says the insider, "but they've hinted that they may not need it after 2012."
Ablative said that, following the success of this deal, NASA may be looking at selling other assets. "We may still build the Ares rockets, but sell them straight to the aliens," he said. "We'll obviously get more for them if they're unused. And then there's Houston. They can have the whole of Houston."
This knock-down sale of America's space capabilities is coming in for some criticism, but Ablative is bullish.
"It may seem unpatriotic to sell this stuff to aliens," said Ablative, "but if we don't do it, the Russkies sure will. That's what free markets are about."
End of the World is Nigh!
The world will end on Friday the 13th April 2029, says NASA. A huge asteroid will crash into our planet, destroying all forms of life and turning the Earth into a desolate, lifeless galactic wilderness.
According to NASA, there's now a one-in-250,000 chance that the asteroid Apophis will hit the Earth during a 2038 fly-by.
"That's about 160 times more likely than winning the lottery," says apocalypse specialist Dr Willam H Carpenter, "and people win lotteries every day."
But that's not all. Apophis will also swing by nine years earlier, in 2029, when on current estimates it will get as close as 18,300 miles.
"That's 4,000 miles closer than the geosynchronous satellites on which our global communications depend," explains Carpenter. "The asteroid will actually have to pass through the orbits of man-made spacecraft. In astronomical terms, 18,300 miles is a hair's breadth."
And it gets worse.
"The real problem is that these estimates are all based on Government-supplied data," says Carpenter. "When was the last time you believed in Government figures? They only have to be out by a fraction and we're all toast."
The problem, he says, is that Apophis was only recently discovered. According to NASA, the asteroid was first identified in 2004. Since then, the space agency has constantly revised the odds of the celestial body impacting the Earth and destroying us all.
"The truth is, we just don't have enough data to guarantee that we'll survive these close encounters," says Carpenter. "That means we almost certainly won't."
It all adds up to Doomsday, he reckons. The surface of the Earth will be reduced to ash and life will become extinct.
"Using the NASA predictions, and applying standard Government margins of error, I confidently predict that Life on Earth will end in 2029," says Carpenter. "If not, it'll be 2038. That's assuming we haven't all been killed in the apocalypse of 2012."
The triumphant culmination of India's space program has been ruined by the revelation that it was all the result of a prank call.
Kevin Spoor, an unemployed bricklayer from Tottenham, London, has confessed to calling the Indian Space Research Organisation to order a home delivery of chicken korma, pilau rice, nan bread and two Kingfisher beers.
"It just seemed like a funny idea, to give our address as 'Sea of Tranquillity, the moon, ring top bell'," said a contrite Spoor. "But that was, like, ten years ago, and I'd forgotten all about it."
Ganesh Mukhurdjee, the astronaut who arrived on the moon in the early hours of this morning on a heavily modified moped, radioed a message to say that the food was spoiled and that he was worried it would come out of his wages.
In the meantime, Spoor — who describes his hobbies as 'having a laugh' and 'robbing' — says he was surprised by the arrival on the Indian spacecraft on the moon. "I mean, the moon's English, innit? I'll thump anyone who says any different."
On being told, via mobile text message, that the British had never had a manned space program, let alone landed anyone on the moon, Spoor replied: "That can't be right. In any case, it's not bleedin' Indian is it? Bloody immigrants come over here. Next thing you know, one's moved into the planetary body next door."
The Indian Government has announced that it intends to follow-up on its achievement by establishing a base on the moon, just as soon as it can find suitable flock wallpaper.