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Apple launches iSlave mind-control device

Handheld gadget makes controlling slaves easy and hip

iSlaveApple Computers today unveiled its long-awaited iSlave mind control device. Aimed at law enforcement officers, UN stormtroopers and New World Order henchmen, the handheld unit allows users to take over the actions of nearby citizens while also checking email, tweeting and listening to iTunes.

"Initially, it will work only on long-time Apple users," said a company spokesdrone at the launch. "Until the Government gets going with its large-scale brainwashing and chipping program, we'll have to rely on that portion of the population that's used to doing what it's told."

According to the official announcement, the iSlave runs on a 50MHz ARM CPU chip, and uses RFID technology reversed engineered from the alien craft that crashed at Roswell. Apple claims that the 850g device will run for as much as 30 minutes between charges and can control slaves at distances of up to 5 metres.

The iSlave has a 3in touchscreen allowing the use of mouse gestures to gain fast access to commands such as 'run', 'stop' and 'open fire'.

A number of apps have been announced to coincide with the launch.

  • SlaveMaster integrates with the Bento database package to allow users to manage groups of slaves. It also links to iCal so that busy henchmen can schedule slave actions in the future, with automatic pop-up alerts and color-coding for different slave types.
  • FaceSlave automatically updates each slave's Facebook status with what they're doing, and to whom.
  • SlavePod allows slavemasters to download music from the iTunes Music Store direct to the slave's iPod (all slaves have iPods). Apple has signed deals with a number of record companies to provide suitable tracks which, it's believed, contain hidden messages. The first to become available will be James Blunt's new album 'Squeal like a girl' aimed at male mind-control sex slaves.
  • SlaveWave uses Google Wave to co-ordinate actions between slavemasters, as well as letting them share digital photos of what their slaves are up to (not available in China).
  • SlaveWall automatically 'terminates' slaves who try to go beyond the range of the iSlave (available only in China).

Some firms have complained that the apps they submitted for the iSlave have been rejected by Apple. Most of those companies have since disappeared.

One app, HappyClappyApple, which makes owners of Apple products buy everything the company produces, was initially approved but was later withdrawn by the company as being "redundant". 

Apple also used the launch event to announce its new iPad tablet computer. Every journalist attending the event bought one.



Tech Zombies

Gov'ment uses Internet for mind control

Usenet reduces millions to witless zombies

Secret messages on the interwebsThe US Government is exploiting the Internet to enslave the minds of millions of people.

A covert operation is using secret codes buried in Internet messages to trigger bizarre brain reflexes among a large section of the population. In many cases, victims are reduced to babbling idiots with a compulsive desire to impose their delusions on the rest of the world. But some are transformed into unwilling mind-control slaves who then use the Internet to spread government propaganda and disinformation.

"These messages are distributed using Usenet newsgroups," said a leading cryptology analyst, Mr Y, who refused to be named in case his wife finds out where he is. "The people who use Usenet are known to be particularly vulnerable to these kinds of brain distortions. I mean, they're already half-way wacko."

According to Y: "Thousands of Internet users find themselves uncontrollably spewing all kinds of ludicrous theories on to the Net — stuff about UFOs, conspiracies, Lady Diana, Elvis, how the government is responsible for 9/11 and the shooting of JFK and about fraud at Enron. Weird shit that no sane person would ever believe."

He claims that the Government is doing this to discredit serious investigators in areas that might embarrass it. "By harnessing the power of hundreds of Net users they create a tidal wave of gibberish. Anyone genuine who starts looking into what's really happening at Area 51 or in the boardroooms of US corporations gets tarred with the same 'loony' brush."

But is it possible that some of the raving nutjobs might just be mad anyway?

"It's possible," says Y, "but the scores of affected people we've logged and monitored show genuine signs of deterioration once they've been on Usenet for a while. And the only explanation for that is a massive Government conspiracy using advanced technology to turn us into mind-control slaves. Now, if you'll excuse me, I need to log on."