Death Dealer's Double Dead!!
Sources close to the Pentagon have now confirmed that the person shot dead in a compound in Pakistan was a "very convincing" look-alike for Osama bin Laden.
But officials have refused to comment on rumours that the man posing as the Al Qaeda leader was, in fact, ex-Enron boss Ken Lay.
"We've known for some time that Lay was hiding out on the Afghanistan/Pakistan border," said a senior military intelligence officer who refused to be named. "As you correctly reported in the World Inquisitor some time ago, Lay had joined the Taleban and we believe he was operating under the nom de guerre of Ken bin Laden, as a way of creating confusion among western intelligence agencies. And that certainly worked."
Although President Barack Obama and other government leaders were quick to celebrate the death of Osama bin Laden, doubts crept in very quickly among a number of experts.
"Clearly, this was never bin Laden himself," said William H Carpenter, who heads the Carpenter Foundation for Governmental Conspiracy Verification. "The compound in Abbottabad was said to be luxurious - just the kind of place you'd expect to find the fugitive boss of an American corporation. But bin Laden is known to prefer caves."
According to Carpenter, the photographs of the 'dead' bin Laden show clears signs of Photoshopping. "In fact," he said, "we have evidenced that the images were manipulated by the same people who modified the Obama birth certificate photos."
Carpenter said the next step for the authorities will be to fabricate DNA evidence. "No-one has any way of checking that," he said. "They could take any DNA and say it was bin Laden's. How are we to know? And I've also heard that his body has already been buried at sea. How convenient is that?"
It's likely that US military operations will remain in place around the 'Black Caves' of Tora Bora in Afghanistan - ostensibly to locate other members of Al Qaeda, but in fact to continue the hunt for bin Laden himself.
"That's going to take some time, maybe years," said Carpenter. "And, obviously, President Obama needed a victory now, before the next election, hence the conspiracy. In any case, they're looking in the wrong place. I've been saying for years that bin Laden is actually holed up on the French Polynesian island of Bora Bora. I mean, wouldn't you?"
Killing with Jesus!!
Following the success of the US Army's 'Jesus rifles', equipped with consecrated gunsights, America's armed forces are now deploying specially blessed ammunition.
"We are doing God's work in Afghanistan," says General Moses Khan. "Now we have God's ammo to aid us."
Defence company Trijicon has sold around 300,000 of its gunsights to the US Army and Marine Corps. The sights have been specially enhanced by having references to the Bible engraved on them, turning M-16s and M-4s into 'Jesus rifles'.
"When one of our righteous boys take aim at a raghead with one of these holy sights, he feels Jesus enter his heart," says Khan, "and that helps him nail the bastard right through the head."
There have been complaints that the biblical references contravene rule that prevent US troops spreading the word of God in Iraq and Afghanisation, which are notoriously Muslim countries.
"Atheist do-gooders back in Washington want us to fail in our true mission of bringing Jesus to these poor people," says Khan. "We're here to show them that our God is bigger than their god, and what better way to do it than by shooting as many of them as we can. If that doesn't get the message across, nothing will."
Nevertheless, as a result of the protests, Trijicon will no longer include the Bible references on future sights. And the company is providing kits to the military to remove them from existing equipment.
"That's like taking away the soldiers' body armor or saying they can't shoot civilians," says Khan. "Our boys have a tough job to do and they need God on their side. That's why I'm glad we now have these Crusader rounds.
The bullets are being supplied by an unamed company in Texas via a private security company, LethalResponse.com, which is supplying 'special services' in Iraq, Afghanistan, and parts of New York.
Like the sights, each bullet is engraved with a reference to the Bible, though some carry the Crusader motto Deus Vult (God wills it) or a famous saying by George W. Bush, such as 'Misunderestimate this!'.
The Pentagon was unavailable for comment as we went to press.
War declared on Moon
NASA's highly successful bombing of the Moon - in which there were no civilian casualities - has led to the US Air Force declaring it will carry out all future Moon attack missions.
"This could be a big win-win for us," said one Pentagon insider who has no name. "As far as I'm aware, there are no wedding parties on the Moon. And one bit of it is pretty much like another, so it doesn't matter what you hit. In my book, that amounts to 100% accuracy."
The NASA attack, which went under the cover name of Lunar CRater Observation and Sensing Satellite (LCROSS), resulted in a huge crater approximately 238,857 miles (384,403km) from the nearest population center. The space agency claimed this was a scientific mission. However, NASA later admitted that there was never any plan to avoid impact and that it deliberately smashed the spacecraft into the lunar surface.
And while scientists at NASA claim they are using data from the impact to learn more about the Moon, including the possible presence of water, pictures released by the agency show little more than small dots.
"Hell, we can give 'em pictures like those," said General Chuck Sway, USAF (retd). "And if you want stuff bombing, who better than the Air Force?"
With the US getting out of Iraq, it’s running out of places to bomb, he explained.
"We wimped out of bombing Iran," said Sway. "And we gotta bomb somewhere, otherwise what's the point of having an Air Force? So I say, let's go for it. Hell, the place is covered in craters anyway - who the hell's gonna notice? And there's nobody there to protest."
Government Zombie Jab
President Barack Obama has declared swine flu a 'national emergency'. And now we know why.
When that needle goes into your arm, you're not just getting a vaccine against H1N1 - a virus that was manufactured in top-secret Government laboratories. You'll also be getting an ID chip and a dangerous cocktail of mind control drugs, says one leading scientist.
"We all know that swine flu isn't really dangerous," says Dr Tim McVinny in a statement from the William H Carpenter Center for Medical Conspiracies. "H1N1 is no worse than regular flu. So why the emergency?"
The so-called national emergency gives Government agents special powers to force people to be vaccinated, he explains. It's the biggest medical conspiracy since the forced sterilisations that took place in the USA as late as the 1960s.
"They've been looking for a way to implant ID chips for some time now," says McVinny "The H1N1 pandemic is a golden opportunity. But it's not entirely by chance."
According to McVinny, the pandemic is an accident - a kind of 'blowback' from a covert program to infect immigrants in the US. "Look where it started," says McVinny. "Mexico."
He adds: "The aim was to weaken a sector of society that has little or no medical insurance. It's microbiological ethnic cleansing."
Asked about the spread of H1N1 to the US and other first-world countries, McVinny said: "No-one's claiming these Government people are smart."
The ID chips will allow Government agents to track the movements of every US citizen. But it doesn't stop there, says McVinny.
"It's one thing knowing where you are. They also want to control what you're doing," he says. "Our research, which involved visiting dozens of online forums, as well as world-leading conspiracy websites, indicates that the so-called vaccine will also include mind control drugs."
He says that one source told him, "I have been a CIA mind-control sex slave for more than 25 years. Recently, while I was being forced to pleasure Dick Cheney, he let slip that the vaccine would be used to turn more people into unwilling Government zombies."
According to this source, Cheney is still very much in control of numerous black projects. The election of Barack Obama and a Democrat-controlled Congress was simply a means of providing deep cover for the Illuminati actually in control of the country.
McVinny said he couldn't name the source because that would cause "his immediate termination". But he said, "My source says he was told the first use of the mind-control powers is to stop people asking questions about the vaccinations."
Taking his lead from Queen Elizabeth of England and US presidents, Osama Bin Laden is to release a Christmas video.
"It's his message for all the people of the world at this special time of the year," said an Al Qaeda PR spokesman.
The organization would not reveal details of the video except to say that "it might contain a few surprises".
Terrorism experts and news networks are said to be looking forward to the video. "With all the goodwill that the holiday season generates, it's a lean time of the year for folks like us," said one War-on-Terror pundit. "This should help produce some much-needed appearance fees and boost our book sales. It's time that people stopped being so indulgent at Thanksgiving, Christmas, Hanukkah or whatever, and realized that they should be just as afraid as they are the rest of the year."
Whereas previous Al Qaeda videos have been leaked through Middle Eastern news agencies, Bin Laden's Christmas recording will be available on Youtube and for download from iTunes, claimed the PR spokesman. He was unable to say if the file would be DRM-free.
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