Following the success of the US Army's 'Jesus rifles', equipped with consecrated gunsights, America's armed forces are now deploying specially blessed ammunition.

"We are doing God's work in Afghanistan," says General Moses Khan. "Now we have God's ammo to aid us."

Defence company Trijicon has sold around 300,000 of its gunsights to the US Army and Marine Corps. The sights have been specially enhanced by having references to the Bible engraved on them, turning M-16s and M-4s into 'Jesus rifles'.

"When one of our righteous boys take aim at a raghead with one of these holy sights, he feels Jesus enter his heart," says Khan, "and that helps him nail the bastard right through the head."

There have been complaints that the biblical references contravene rule that prevent US troops spreading the word of God in Iraq and Afghanisation, which are notoriously Muslim countries.

"Atheist do-gooders back in Washington want us to fail in our true mission of bringing Jesus to these poor people," says Khan. "We're here to show them that our God is bigger than their god, and what better way to do it than by shooting as many of them as we can. If that doesn't get the message across, nothing will."

Nevertheless, as a result of the protests, Trijicon will no longer include the Bible references on future sights. And the company is providing kits to the military to remove them from existing equipment.

"That's like taking away the soldiers' body armor or saying they can't shoot civilians," says Khan. "Our boys have a tough job to do and they need God on their side. That's why I'm glad we now have these Crusader rounds.

The bullets are being supplied by an unamed company in Texas via a private security company, LethalResponse.com, which is supplying 'special services' in Iraq, Afghanistan, and parts of New York.

Like the sights, each bullet is engraved with a reference to the Bible, though some carry the Crusader motto Deus Vult (God wills it) or a famous saying by George W. Bush, such as 'Misunderestimate this!'.

The Pentagon was unavailable for comment as we went to press.

NASA's highly successful bombing of the Moon - in which there were no civilian casualities - has led to the US Air Force declaring it will carry out all future Moon attack missions.

"This could be a big win-win for us," said one Pentagon insider who has no name. "As far as I'm aware, there are no wedding parties on the Moon. And one bit of it is pretty much like another, so it doesn't matter what you hit. In my book, that amounts to 100% accuracy."

The NASA attack, which went under the cover name of Lunar CRater Observation and Sensing Satellite (LCROSS), resulted in a huge crater approximately 238,857 miles (384,403km) from the nearest population center. The space agency claimed this was a scientific mission. However, NASA later admitted that there was never any plan to avoid impact and that it deliberately smashed the spacecraft into the lunar surface.

And while scientists at NASA claim they are using data from the impact to learn more about the Moon, including the possible presence of water, pictures released by the agency show little more than small dots.

"Hell, we can give 'em pictures like those," said General Chuck Sway, USAF (retd). "And if you want stuff bombing, who better than the Air Force?"

With the US getting out of Iraq, it’s running out of places to bomb, he explained.

"We wimped out of bombing Iran," said Sway. "And we gotta bomb somewhere, otherwise what's the point of having an Air Force? So I say, let's go for it. Hell, the place is covered in craters anyway - who the hell's gonna notice? And there's nobody there to protest."

Taking his lead from Queen Elizabeth of England and US presidents, Osama Bin Laden is to release a Christmas video.

"It's his message for all the people of the world at this special time of the year," said an Al Qaeda PR spokesman.

The organization would not reveal details of the video except to say that "it might contain a few surprises".

Terrorism experts and news networks are said to be looking forward to the video. "With all the goodwill that the holiday season generates, it's a lean time of the year for folks like us," said one War-on-Terror pundit. "This should help produce some much-needed appearance fees and boost our book sales. It's time that people stopped being so indulgent at Thanksgiving, Christmas, Hanukkah or whatever, and realized that they should be just as afraid as they are the rest of the year."

Whereas previous Al Qaeda videos have been leaked through Middle Eastern news agencies, Bin Laden's Christmas recording will be available on Youtube and for download from iTunes, claimed the PR spokesman. He was unable to say if the file would be DRM-free.

According to unnamed sources, Osama Bin Laden has signed a deal with US-based LethalResponse Inc to provide personal protection services, secure transportation and "ad hoc operational capability".

One Syrian-based source said: "We believe he looked at using Blackwater at first, but wasn't impressed by the negative publicity they seem to be getting. Image is important for a terrorist leader and he thought any association with Blackwater might tarnish his reputation."

It's thought that Bin Laden has taken this step because of the increasing lawlessness and violence in some areas of Afghanistan and Pakistan. "In Bora Bora and the desolate border areas, not even the Al Qaeda top brass feel safe anymore," said one local tribesman. "It's like the Wild West out here."

Little is known about LethalResponse. Defense experts have claimed that it maintains links with members of the current US cabinet, some of whom may be silent board members. And they say it recruits mercenaries from ex-members of the US Marine Corps, LAPD, university campus guards and visitors to gun shows.

Some members of Congress have already raised concerns about this new deal. Like Blackwater and many other private security companies, LethalResponse has a number of contracts in Iraq. For example, it is responsible for protecting convoys delivering the large amounts of cash needed to pay private security contractors. "They don't call them soldiers of fortune for nothing," said Senator Ignatius 'Piggy' Barrell (Republican).

He added: "This does suggest a certain conflict of interest. However, I think we can leave this to market forces. It's not our place to intervene in what are essentially matters of private enterprise."

The creature that has haunted the nightmares of generations of children has now confessed to being a member of terrorist group Al Qaeda.

The Bogeyman (also known as the 'Boogeyman' in states that do not believe in evolution) says that he joined an insurgent cell in Iraq, financed by Osama bin Laden, two years ago. This followed a period of self-doubt and depression during which he began to question his very existence.

"In this world of YouTube and MySpace, there just doesn't seem to be a place for mythical creatures like me any more," said the beast via his publicist, Steven King, in Fallujah. "It was really getting me down and I started to think, 'what's the point?'."

Then the evil specter heard about Al Qaeda. "I hadn't really been following the news — I'd kinda given up because every time you turn it on it's always bad. So it took me a while to hear about these guys."

The Bogeyman says he might have been misled about the nature of the terrorists.

"I already had the facial hair and like to hide out in caves," he said. "So I thought, 'hey, these guys are just like me'. I figured it would be like joining a club, or something."

Moving from New Jersey to Iraq was the biggest shock of his existence, said the beast. "Hell, you think some parts of Newark are rough. You should try getting a pizza after 9pm in Sadr City."

After two years of hiding in the desert, eating bugs and biting the heads off private security guards, the Bogeyman said he'd had enough. "One day I just freaked," he said. "It was like I'd got two years' worth of The Willies. I mean, these guys are really scary."

The Bogeyman said he would be leaving the Middle East and returning to the US as soon as he could get a flight from Baghdad. Surprisingly, he said he has had no problem with no-fly lists. "Maybe that's because I always travel first class," he said.

A White House spokesman said that President George W Bush would now be sleeping with the light on.