Killing with Jesus!!
Following the success of the US Army's 'Jesus rifles', equipped with consecrated gunsights, America's armed forces are now deploying specially blessed ammunition.
"We are doing God's work in Afghanistan," says General Moses Khan. "Now we have God's ammo to aid us."
Defence company Trijicon has sold around 300,000 of its gunsights to the US Army and Marine Corps. The sights have been specially enhanced by having references to the Bible engraved on them, turning M-16s and M-4s into 'Jesus rifles'.
"When one of our righteous boys take aim at a raghead with one of these holy sights, he feels Jesus enter his heart," says Khan, "and that helps him nail the bastard right through the head."
There have been complaints that the biblical references contravene rule that prevent US troops spreading the word of God in Iraq and Afghanisation, which are notoriously Muslim countries.
"Atheist do-gooders back in Washington want us to fail in our true mission of bringing Jesus to these poor people," says Khan. "We're here to show them that our God is bigger than their god, and what better way to do it than by shooting as many of them as we can. If that doesn't get the message across, nothing will."
Nevertheless, as a result of the protests, Trijicon will no longer include the Bible references on future sights. And the company is providing kits to the military to remove them from existing equipment.
"That's like taking away the soldiers' body armor or saying they can't shoot civilians," says Khan. "Our boys have a tough job to do and they need God on their side. That's why I'm glad we now have these Crusader rounds.
The bullets are being supplied by an unamed company in Texas via a private security company, LethalResponse.com, which is supplying 'special services' in Iraq, Afghanistan, and parts of New York.
Like the sights, each bullet is engraved with a reference to the Bible, though some carry the Crusader motto Deus Vult (God wills it) or a famous saying by George W. Bush, such as 'Misunderestimate this!'.
The Pentagon was unavailable for comment as we went to press.
War declared on Moon
NASA's highly successful bombing of the Moon - in which there were no civilian casualities - has led to the US Air Force declaring it will carry out all future Moon attack missions.
"This could be a big win-win for us," said one Pentagon insider who has no name. "As far as I'm aware, there are no wedding parties on the Moon. And one bit of it is pretty much like another, so it doesn't matter what you hit. In my book, that amounts to 100% accuracy."
The NASA attack, which went under the cover name of Lunar CRater Observation and Sensing Satellite (LCROSS), resulted in a huge crater approximately 238,857 miles (384,403km) from the nearest population center. The space agency claimed this was a scientific mission. However, NASA later admitted that there was never any plan to avoid impact and that it deliberately smashed the spacecraft into the lunar surface.
And while scientists at NASA claim they are using data from the impact to learn more about the Moon, including the possible presence of water, pictures released by the agency show little more than small dots.
"Hell, we can give 'em pictures like those," said General Chuck Sway, USAF (retd). "And if you want stuff bombing, who better than the Air Force?"
With the US getting out of Iraq, it’s running out of places to bomb, he explained.
"We wimped out of bombing Iran," said Sway. "And we gotta bomb somewhere, otherwise what's the point of having an Air Force? So I say, let's go for it. Hell, the place is covered in craters anyway - who the hell's gonna notice? And there's nobody there to protest."
Personal Protection for Al Qaeda Boss
According to unnamed sources, Osama Bin Laden has signed a deal with US-based LethalResponse Inc to provide personal protection services, secure transportation and "ad hoc operational capability".
One Syrian-based source said: "We believe he looked at using Blackwater at first, but wasn't impressed by the negative publicity they seem to be getting. Image is important for a terrorist leader and he thought any association with Blackwater might tarnish his reputation."
It's thought that Bin Laden has taken this step because of the increasing lawlessness and violence in some areas of Afghanistan and Pakistan. "In Bora Bora and the desolate border areas, not even the Al Qaeda top brass feel safe anymore," said one local tribesman. "It's like the Wild West out here."
Little is known about LethalResponse. Defense experts have claimed that it maintains links with members of the current US cabinet, some of whom may be silent board members. And they say it recruits mercenaries from ex-members of the US Marine Corps, LAPD, university campus guards and visitors to gun shows.
Some members of Congress have already raised concerns about this new deal. Like Blackwater and many other private security companies, LethalResponse has a number of contracts in Iraq. For example, it is responsible for protecting convoys delivering the large amounts of cash needed to pay private security contractors. "They don't call them soldiers of fortune for nothing," said Senator Ignatius 'Piggy' Barrell (Republican).
He added: "This does suggest a certain conflict of interest. However, I think we can leave this to market forces. It's not our place to intervene in what are essentially matters of private enterprise."
Death for Celebrity Doubles
The Iraqi Government is about to execute the lookalikes who posed as Saddam Hussein during his long reign of terror, according to sources in Baghdad.
The dictator's doubles pretended to be Saddam on occasions when the real Iraqi president was busy elsewhere — or afraid of assassination attempts. CIA reports suggest that as many as a dozen men regularly played the part of the Evil One, but there are people within the current Iraqi Government who believe the figure is actually much higher.
"We're going to have to hang them all," said a spokesman for the Iraqi Government, who refused to be named because he's actually an American and doesn't want people to think the Iraqis aren't making their own decisions, especially when it comes to executing people.
"Let's face it," he added, "every other guy in this goddamned country looks like Saddam. That means there's an outside chance we actually offed the wrong one. So, to be on the safe side, we're going to kill 'em all and let God sort 'em out."
A crack US intelligence squad has so far identified around 352,000 candidates. "Now the tough work begins, narrowing 'em down to the ones that really could be Saddam or one of his regular stand-ins. It isn't as easy as you'd think."
When asked how they would do this, the source said: "We're basing it mainly on the width and bushiness of the moustache. There are other metrics, too, but telling you about them might reveal intelligence sources and methods."
The source claims he does not fear a public outcry at the planned mass-hangings. "There was a lot of jubilation on the street when we hanged what we believed to be Saddam," he said. "Way things are going, we can make that a weekly event."
Fog of War
The next time America goes to war, it won't be according to plans drawn up in the Pentagon. Instead, it'll be a movie director calling 'action', and generals are likely to hand out Oscars instead of medals.
The Government is calling on the talents of the movie world to improve the image of war. It also hopes to exploit the organisational skills of Hollywood producers to ensure that future conflicts will come in on-time and on-budget.
The scheme was hatched after Hollywood producer Jerry Bruckheimer was given unprecedented access to troops in Afghanistan — access denied to journalists — to make a 'documentary' about 'American bravery'.
"Bruckheimer is Bush's Leni Riefenstahl," said one proud White House aide. "And that's what gave us the idea. Next time we go into some godforsaken shithole, let's make sure we at least have a good script."
Inside sources say that the Administration is tired of military campaigns starting well but fizzling out.
"You see it time and again," said Buck Trouserful, martial image consultant to the President. "At first, it's real exciting. Lots of explosions, hardcore hardware, great shots of missiles being launched and those really cool videos of precision bombs taking out bridges an' stuff. But then it all gets kinda talky-talky and before you know it, no-one can work out what the goddamn plot is. We lose people's attention and have to start another war to get it back again."
A special committee, convened by the Cabinet in secret, has been meeting with leading Hollywood screenwriters, producers and directors to discuss what one pundit has called "Washington's third act problem".
US military forces also hope to leverage the skills of movie set designers, make-up artists and special effects specialists to give wars a slicker, more marketable appeal.
"You don't see images of war in the glossy magazines, like Glamor or Vogue," said Trouserful. "That's untapped marketing potential. So we're looking into having the Marines' uniforms redesigned, get 'em into some designer labels. They already drive cool cars — I drive a Hummer myself — but green? Puhleeze!"