Death Dealer's Double Dead!!
Sources close to the Pentagon have now confirmed that the person shot dead in a compound in Pakistan was a "very convincing" look-alike for Osama bin Laden.
But officials have refused to comment on rumours that the man posing as the Al Qaeda leader was, in fact, ex-Enron boss Ken Lay.
"We've known for some time that Lay was hiding out on the Afghanistan/Pakistan border," said a senior military intelligence officer who refused to be named. "As you correctly reported in the World Inquisitor some time ago, Lay had joined the Taleban and we believe he was operating under the nom de guerre of Ken bin Laden, as a way of creating confusion among western intelligence agencies. And that certainly worked."
Although President Barack Obama and other government leaders were quick to celebrate the death of Osama bin Laden, doubts crept in very quickly among a number of experts.
"Clearly, this was never bin Laden himself," said William H Carpenter, who heads the Carpenter Foundation for Governmental Conspiracy Verification. "The compound in Abbottabad was said to be luxurious - just the kind of place you'd expect to find the fugitive boss of an American corporation. But bin Laden is known to prefer caves."
According to Carpenter, the photographs of the 'dead' bin Laden show clears signs of Photoshopping. "In fact," he said, "we have evidenced that the images were manipulated by the same people who modified the Obama birth certificate photos."
Carpenter said the next step for the authorities will be to fabricate DNA evidence. "No-one has any way of checking that," he said. "They could take any DNA and say it was bin Laden's. How are we to know? And I've also heard that his body has already been buried at sea. How convenient is that?"
It's likely that US military operations will remain in place around the 'Black Caves' of Tora Bora in Afghanistan - ostensibly to locate other members of Al Qaeda, but in fact to continue the hunt for bin Laden himself.
"That's going to take some time, maybe years," said Carpenter. "And, obviously, President Obama needed a victory now, before the next election, hence the conspiracy. In any case, they're looking in the wrong place. I've been saying for years that bin Laden is actually holed up on the French Polynesian island of Bora Bora. I mean, wouldn't you?"
Taking his lead from Queen Elizabeth of England and US presidents, Osama Bin Laden is to release a Christmas video.
"It's his message for all the people of the world at this special time of the year," said an Al Qaeda PR spokesman.
The organization would not reveal details of the video except to say that "it might contain a few surprises".
Terrorism experts and news networks are said to be looking forward to the video. "With all the goodwill that the holiday season generates, it's a lean time of the year for folks like us," said one War-on-Terror pundit. "This should help produce some much-needed appearance fees and boost our book sales. It's time that people stopped being so indulgent at Thanksgiving, Christmas, Hanukkah or whatever, and realized that they should be just as afraid as they are the rest of the year."
Whereas previous Al Qaeda videos have been leaked through Middle Eastern news agencies, Bin Laden's Christmas recording will be available on Youtube and for download from iTunes, claimed the PR spokesman. He was unable to say if the file would be DRM-free.
Personal Protection for Al Qaeda Boss
According to unnamed sources, Osama Bin Laden has signed a deal with US-based LethalResponse Inc to provide personal protection services, secure transportation and "ad hoc operational capability".
One Syrian-based source said: "We believe he looked at using Blackwater at first, but wasn't impressed by the negative publicity they seem to be getting. Image is important for a terrorist leader and he thought any association with Blackwater might tarnish his reputation."
It's thought that Bin Laden has taken this step because of the increasing lawlessness and violence in some areas of Afghanistan and Pakistan. "In Bora Bora and the desolate border areas, not even the Al Qaeda top brass feel safe anymore," said one local tribesman. "It's like the Wild West out here."
Little is known about LethalResponse. Defense experts have claimed that it maintains links with members of the current US cabinet, some of whom may be silent board members. And they say it recruits mercenaries from ex-members of the US Marine Corps, LAPD, university campus guards and visitors to gun shows.
Some members of Congress have already raised concerns about this new deal. Like Blackwater and many other private security companies, LethalResponse has a number of contracts in Iraq. For example, it is responsible for protecting convoys delivering the large amounts of cash needed to pay private security contractors. "They don't call them soldiers of fortune for nothing," said Senator Ignatius 'Piggy' Barrell (Republican).
He added: "This does suggest a certain conflict of interest. However, I think we can leave this to market forces. It's not our place to intervene in what are essentially matters of private enterprise."
Things that go bang in the night
The creature that has haunted the nightmares of generations of children has now confessed to being a member of terrorist group Al Qaeda.
The Bogeyman (also known as the 'Boogeyman' in states that do not believe in evolution) says that he joined an insurgent cell in Iraq, financed by Osama bin Laden, two years ago. This followed a period of self-doubt and depression during which he began to question his very existence.
"In this world of YouTube and MySpace, there just doesn't seem to be a place for mythical creatures like me any more," said the beast via his publicist, Steven King, in Fallujah. "It was really getting me down and I started to think, 'what's the point?'."
Then the evil specter heard about Al Qaeda. "I hadn't really been following the news — I'd kinda given up because every time you turn it on it's always bad. So it took me a while to hear about these guys."
The Bogeyman says he might have been misled about the nature of the terrorists.
"I already had the facial hair and like to hide out in caves," he said. "So I thought, 'hey, these guys are just like me'. I figured it would be like joining a club, or something."
Moving from New Jersey to Iraq was the biggest shock of his existence, said the beast. "Hell, you think some parts of Newark are rough. You should try getting a pizza after 9pm in Sadr City."
After two years of hiding in the desert, eating bugs and biting the heads off private security guards, the Bogeyman said he'd had enough. "One day I just freaked," he said. "It was like I'd got two years' worth of The Willies. I mean, these guys are really scary."
The Bogeyman said he would be leaving the Middle East and returning to the US as soon as he could get a flight from Baghdad. Surprisingly, he said he has had no problem with no-fly lists. "Maybe that's because I always travel first class," he said.
A White House spokesman said that President George W Bush would now be sleeping with the light on.