Death for Celebrity Doubles
The Iraqi Government is about to execute the lookalikes who posed as Saddam Hussein during his long reign of terror, according to sources in Baghdad.
The dictator's doubles pretended to be Saddam on occasions when the real Iraqi president was busy elsewhere — or afraid of assassination attempts. CIA reports suggest that as many as a dozen men regularly played the part of the Evil One, but there are people within the current Iraqi Government who believe the figure is actually much higher.
"We're going to have to hang them all," said a spokesman for the Iraqi Government, who refused to be named because he's actually an American and doesn't want people to think the Iraqis aren't making their own decisions, especially when it comes to executing people.
"Let's face it," he added, "every other guy in this goddamned country looks like Saddam. That means there's an outside chance we actually offed the wrong one. So, to be on the safe side, we're going to kill 'em all and let God sort 'em out."
A crack US intelligence squad has so far identified around 352,000 candidates. "Now the tough work begins, narrowing 'em down to the ones that really could be Saddam or one of his regular stand-ins. It isn't as easy as you'd think."
When asked how they would do this, the source said: "We're basing it mainly on the width and bushiness of the moustache. There are other metrics, too, but telling you about them might reveal intelligence sources and methods."
The source claims he does not fear a public outcry at the planned mass-hangings. "There was a lot of jubilation on the street when we hanged what we believed to be Saddam," he said. "Way things are going, we can make that a weekly event."