War declared on Moon
NASA's highly successful bombing of the Moon - in which there were no civilian casualities - has led to the US Air Force declaring it will carry out all future Moon attack missions.
"This could be a big win-win for us," said one Pentagon insider who has no name. "As far as I'm aware, there are no wedding parties on the Moon. And one bit of it is pretty much like another, so it doesn't matter what you hit. In my book, that amounts to 100% accuracy."
The NASA attack, which went under the cover name of Lunar CRater Observation and Sensing Satellite (LCROSS), resulted in a huge crater approximately 238,857 miles (384,403km) from the nearest population center. The space agency claimed this was a scientific mission. However, NASA later admitted that there was never any plan to avoid impact and that it deliberately smashed the spacecraft into the lunar surface.
And while scientists at NASA claim they are using data from the impact to learn more about the Moon, including the possible presence of water, pictures released by the agency show little more than small dots.
"Hell, we can give 'em pictures like those," said General Chuck Sway, USAF (retd). "And if you want stuff bombing, who better than the Air Force?"
With the US getting out of Iraq, it’s running out of places to bomb, he explained.
"We wimped out of bombing Iran," said Sway. "And we gotta bomb somewhere, otherwise what's the point of having an Air Force? So I say, let's go for it. Hell, the place is covered in craters anyway - who the hell's gonna notice? And there's nobody there to protest."
Death for Celebrity Doubles
The Iraqi Government is about to execute the lookalikes who posed as Saddam Hussein during his long reign of terror, according to sources in Baghdad.
The dictator's doubles pretended to be Saddam on occasions when the real Iraqi president was busy elsewhere — or afraid of assassination attempts. CIA reports suggest that as many as a dozen men regularly played the part of the Evil One, but there are people within the current Iraqi Government who believe the figure is actually much higher.
"We're going to have to hang them all," said a spokesman for the Iraqi Government, who refused to be named because he's actually an American and doesn't want people to think the Iraqis aren't making their own decisions, especially when it comes to executing people.
"Let's face it," he added, "every other guy in this goddamned country looks like Saddam. That means there's an outside chance we actually offed the wrong one. So, to be on the safe side, we're going to kill 'em all and let God sort 'em out."
A crack US intelligence squad has so far identified around 352,000 candidates. "Now the tough work begins, narrowing 'em down to the ones that really could be Saddam or one of his regular stand-ins. It isn't as easy as you'd think."
When asked how they would do this, the source said: "We're basing it mainly on the width and bushiness of the moustache. There are other metrics, too, but telling you about them might reveal intelligence sources and methods."
The source claims he does not fear a public outcry at the planned mass-hangings. "There was a lot of jubilation on the street when we hanged what we believed to be Saddam," he said. "Way things are going, we can make that a weekly event."
Fog of War
The next time America goes to war, it won't be according to plans drawn up in the Pentagon. Instead, it'll be a movie director calling 'action', and generals are likely to hand out Oscars instead of medals.
The Government is calling on the talents of the movie world to improve the image of war. It also hopes to exploit the organisational skills of Hollywood producers to ensure that future conflicts will come in on-time and on-budget.
The scheme was hatched after Hollywood producer Jerry Bruckheimer was given unprecedented access to troops in Afghanistan — access denied to journalists — to make a 'documentary' about 'American bravery'.
"Bruckheimer is Bush's Leni Riefenstahl," said one proud White House aide. "And that's what gave us the idea. Next time we go into some godforsaken shithole, let's make sure we at least have a good script."
Inside sources say that the Administration is tired of military campaigns starting well but fizzling out.
"You see it time and again," said Buck Trouserful, martial image consultant to the President. "At first, it's real exciting. Lots of explosions, hardcore hardware, great shots of missiles being launched and those really cool videos of precision bombs taking out bridges an' stuff. But then it all gets kinda talky-talky and before you know it, no-one can work out what the goddamn plot is. We lose people's attention and have to start another war to get it back again."
A special committee, convened by the Cabinet in secret, has been meeting with leading Hollywood screenwriters, producers and directors to discuss what one pundit has called "Washington's third act problem".
US military forces also hope to leverage the skills of movie set designers, make-up artists and special effects specialists to give wars a slicker, more marketable appeal.
"You don't see images of war in the glossy magazines, like Glamor or Vogue," said Trouserful. "That's untapped marketing potential. So we're looking into having the Marines' uniforms redesigned, get 'em into some designer labels. They already drive cool cars — I drive a Hummer myself — but green? Puhleeze!"
Dismayed by the inability of US armed forces to impose peace on Iraq, US President George W Bush and Defence Secretary Robert Gates have opted to outsource the war to a private consortium.
Headed by a private firm, LethalResponse Inc — established by ex-Defence Secretary Donald Rumsfeld just minutes after losing his cabinet post — the consortium also includes Halliburton subsidiary Kellog Brown & Root and a number of leading US defence companies.
"It just makes sense," said a smiling Rumsfeld. "This war is costing billions, and there's no sense in that money going to waste in Iraq. It might as well go into American pockets."
It's understood that the consortium will sub-contract the war back to the US Army, though this may involve troops having to accept pay cuts and loss of what Rumsfeld described as 'frivolous fringe benefits', such as body armor and ammunition.
Sources close to the Pentagon say that the fee charged by the consortium will undercut the current price of the war by up to 3 percent. In return, the consortium will be allocated an undisclosed share of Iraq's oil revenues and will assume all contracts for supplying, transporting and maintaining US armed forces in Iraq.
"This is a great opportunity for America," said Rumsfeld from his company's headquarters in the Cayman Isles. "At least, it's a great opportunity for Americans who are shareholders in our company. Which means me and George. The war in Iraq is going from bad to worse, which means lots of business for our consortium. The guys who make the weapons and rockets and things are very happy. We've just contracted with a private airline to bring back the bodies and stuff, so they're happy. Everybody's happy!"
It is believed that President Bush will become a director of LethalResponse when his current term as President ends.
President George W Bush has returned to Washington in triumph after completing his tour of duty in Iraq. The President led a highly successful mission that also marked the completion of his military service.
"We're all relieved," said a White House aide. "Frankly, it was getting embarrassing. I mean, he started his military service in the 1960s. But this tour in Iraq really puts paid to those liberal wieners who say that this President is a deserter or a coward. He's shown his willingness to go do the job himself."
The details of the President's mission are still classified, but it's believed that he briefed the Prime Minister of Iraq, whatever his name is, both before and after the mission.
There are unconfirmed rumours that the President flew some kind of bombing mission. "We're a bit worried he thought he was bombing Vietnam," said a source close to the President. "But it's probably best not to say anything. I mean, he always felt bad about those other boys going to Vietnam and getting killed while he was playing golf with his Daddy's political backers. But hell, he was doing a job for the country too."
Many US service personnel are now on their third or fourth tours in Iraq. According to the Whitehouse press office, the President is now proud to be numbered among the veterans of this conflict.
"The several hours he spent in the country — actually in Baghdad, one of the most dangerous places — shows that this is a true War President," said a hastly issued press release. "It proves that the President is not prepared to send the boys and girls of America to do a job he's not prepared to do himself."