The Force is strong in this one
Dr Rowan Williams, the Archbishop of Canterbury, has become a Jedi Knight as part of a policy of embracing all faiths. It's believed he may also be planning to use his new powers against journalists, politicians and other 'forces of the dark side'.
"It started with his conversion to Islam and the implementation of Sharia law in the General Synod," claimed one frightened Prebender. "Before you knew it, there were hands and heads flying everywhere, sometimes for offences as trivial as wearing a stained cassock or inappropriate use of a Bishop's hat."
This was followed by rapid, sometimes simultaneous, conversions to Hinduism, Sikhism, Buddhism, Judaism, more than 200 variations of Christianity, Jainism, Druidism and Wicca. That was closely follow by Shinto, Taoism, Baha'i, Falun Gong, Zoroastrianism, Scientology, Mormonism and a number of the less popular pagan cults. It's not known if the list of faiths included Satanism but some within the Anglican church have claimed this is "highly likely".
"For one terrible moment we thought he was going to become a humanist, or even an atheist," said a wide-eyed chorister. "But at the last moment he pulled back. Apparently, those aren't real religions."
Rumours suggest that the Archbishop's ecumenical efforts to convert to every religion have recently stumbled because of his ability to obtain a complete list. "Who knew there were so many out there?" said a puzzled aide. "I mean, some of these people have really wacky ideas."
According to sources close to Lambeth Palace, Dr Williams first considered embracing the Way of The Force as far back as 2001 when, following a major internet-based campaign, 'Jedi Knight' was added to the list of official religions on the national census form. More than 390,000 people classified themselves as Jedi, beating Sikhs, Jews and Buddhists and making Jedi'ism the UK's fourth-largest faith.
"This is a huge group just begging to be embraced," said our source. "And the Archbishop's motto seems to be 'No soul left behind'."
It is believed that the Archbishop's plans, as a Jedi High Master, include lobbying for at least three automatic seats in the House of Lords, the inclusion of elements of the Jedi Code in UK law and tough immigration controls for Sith.
In a brief interview, Dr Williams brushed aside concerns that obeying more than 300 faiths simultaneously might create conflicts. Instead of replying directly to the question, the Archbishop bowed towards Mecca, genuflected and aimed a plastic lightsaber at the interviewer.
"May the Force be with you," he intoned. "Insha'Allah."