Messiah Mashed by Monster
Jesus did not die on the cross - he was killed when his pet dinosaur turned on him, according to new evidence coming from the scientists working in the Holy Land.
Dr Seth Croyant, Chief Scientist with the Biblical Fact Foundation, is leading a team of evangelical archeologists based in Tel Aviv. According to Croyant, the team has uncovered several rock strata not dissimilar to those in other countries in which dinosaur remains have been found.
"And yet," he says, "these are the exact same rocks in which we find ancient tombs not unlike the one in which Christ was buried and from which he arose."
This led Croyant to re-read sections of the Gospels that deal with Christ's death. "Most of them are actually a bit skimpy on details when it comes to the whole crucifixion thing," he says. "And they're inconsistent. It looks to me like there's been some rewriting, perhaps to cover up an embarrassing truth."
Croyant says he will reveal the full details of what's he's discovered in a press conference in July, which is when he will also launch the book, DVD, iPhone app and range of apparel based on his findings. In the meantime, though, he's keen to head off criticism of his new interpretation of biblical history.
"Some other so-called scientists would have you believe that dinosaurs became extinct millions of years before God created humans," he says. "But as the Earth is only 6,000 years old, that means there was no planet for the dinosaurs to roam on, which proves the scientists are wrong. It's simple, really."
The Bible makes frequent references to dinosaurs - or 'behemoths' and 'leviathans' as it prefers to call them. There's evidence that some demons may also have been carnivorous dinosaurs, says Croyant. And some scholars have claimed that early editions of Paul's Epistles contained references to a 'Jesus Horse' which many scholars took to be a T. Rex.
"We now know this to be an Abelisaurus, or 'Abel's Lizard'," says Croyant. "That's a two-ton, 30-foot carnivore easily capable of killing a man. Maybe that's what killed Jesus, though it could still have been a T. Rex. I definitely think the Jesus Horse is what Christ rode into Jerusalem, and it got changed in the Gospels to a donkey so that it would fit Old Testament prophesies. But then, we all know how unreliable the Old Testament can be."
Not all scientists agree, however, and the new findings have prompted a furious debate about Christ's relationship with dinosaurs.
"Jesus spread a message of love," says Rodriguez Ignare of the Texas Organization for Scientific Harmony in Houston, "and there is absolutely no evidence to suggest that he had any kind of relationship with anything but vegetarian dinosaurs.
"I think this new evidence has been misinterpreted," he adds, "and that Christ's death was nothing but an unfortunate accident. He was probably crushed when his tame Brontosaurus was just loved him too much."
However, both Croyant and Ignare agree on one issue
"He died for all our sins," says Croyant, "including the sins of dinosaurs."
Good Book in Space
The first images beamed back by NASA's Phoenix probe revealed more than the scientists were expecting. Analysis of the first images show a Holy Bible buried in the Martian surface!
"It came as a real shock," said Buck Uranus, the Inquisitor's space correspondent who was at the Jet Propulsion Laboratory when the images came in.
"Normally, when a spacecraft lands, the team call other scientists to invite them to join in the celebrations," he added. "This time, they were calling for a priest."
Evangelical preacher Pastor Joshua LaVista, whose religious community is based close to NASA's headquarters in Houston, Texas, made a special TV broadcast just moments after the revelations were made public. "I have always said that NASA's true mission was to reveal the glory of God," he said. "It's time we replaced atheist heathens in science labs with those who are faithful to the hidden truths. This is a sign that wherever we go, whatever we seek, we will always find God."
The presence of the Holy Book was noticed only after the images were treated to special digital enhancement.
It was Pastor LaVista's own imaging specialists, on secondment to NASA, who first realised what Phoenix had found. They used special image enhancement tools to repeatedly improve the image until they were satisified that - in the words of one evangelical technician - it, "showed what it should show".
Following Israel's lead, God has launched His own page on MySpace, the social networking site more usually associated with horny teenagers.
"Frankly, I'm not surprised," said Dick Hawkins, a physicist and leading member of The Quantum Church of Fuckknowswhat, a group of ironic atheists. "He needs all the friends He can get."
God's page is currently fairly empty. His MySpace 'friends' consist of Jesus, the Holy Spirit and Tom. However, Hawkins has pointed out that 'Jesus' and 'the Holy Spirit' opened accounts at exactly the same time as God, and some believe they may be God himself logging in under false names in order to appear more popular.
It has been reported that the message 'God is in your extended network' has provoked a rapturous response among some members of US society. However, the reaction has been a little muted because, according to internet experts, most of the people who would be impressed by this statement have already installed adult content filters that prevent access to sites like MySpace.
The new page declares God to be a 6,011 year-old male, living in Zurich, "which clears up a few long-running questions," said a spokesman for the Pope. His 'about me' blurb says that he likes puppies and kittens, enjoys long walks in the country, has never watched Big Brother and hates working weekends. His zodiac sign is Gemini.
God's blog focuses mainly on His 'works', with Him taking credit for tigers, rainbows, sunsets, Angelina Jolie and YouTube. He also rants occasionally about being "bothered by fans who think I've got nothing better to do than sort out their problems". He cites George W Bush as an especial irritant lately.
"Otherwise the blog is mostly the usual 'what I did last night' gibberish," said Hawkins. "It is, however, unique on MySpace in never using the acronym OMG."
His choice of music is also predictable:
"I love anything by Bach, Handel's Messiah of course and I'm very partial to Mozart's Requiem, especially the Dies Irae. Don't care much for rock bands because they don't praise Me enough, except for those so-called Christian bands and, let's face it, they're crap."
There are no photos of God Himself as yet, though He has posted some nice snaps of His cat.
UPDATE: Since going to press, God's page has been removed from MySpace. According to uninformed sources, the owners of MySpace withdrew the account because the username 'god' is already being used by someone within the company.
God was unavailable for comment.