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God's Blog

God creates MySpace page

Divine blogger "needs all the friends he can get," claims leading atheist

The word of god - now on MySpace Following Israel's lead, God has launched His own page on MySpace, the social networking site more usually associated with horny teenagers.

"Frankly, I'm not surprised," said Dick Hawkins, a physicist and leading member of The Quantum Church of Fuckknowswhat, a group of ironic atheists. "He needs all the friends He can get."

God's page is currently fairly empty. His MySpace 'friends' consist of Jesus, the Holy Spirit and Tom. However, Hawkins has pointed out that 'Jesus' and 'the Holy Spirit' opened accounts at exactly the same time as God, and some believe they may be God himself logging in under false names in order to appear more popular.

It has been reported that the message 'God is in your extended network' has provoked a rapturous response among some members of US society. However, the reaction has been a little muted because, according to internet experts, most of the people who would be impressed by this statement have already installed adult content filters that prevent access to sites like MySpace.

The new page declares God to be a 6,011 year-old male, living in Zurich, "which clears up a few long-running questions," said a spokesman for the Pope. His 'about me' blurb says that he likes puppies and kittens, enjoys long walks in the country, has never watched Big Brother and hates working weekends. His zodiac sign is Gemini.

God's blog focuses mainly on His 'works', with Him taking credit for tigers, rainbows, sunsets, Angelina Jolie and YouTube. He also rants occasionally about being "bothered by fans who think I've got nothing better to do than sort out their problems". He cites George W Bush as an especial irritant lately.

"Otherwise the blog is mostly the usual 'what I did last night' gibberish," said Hawkins. "It is, however, unique on MySpace in never using the acronym OMG."

His choice of music is also predictable:

"I love anything by Bach, Handel's Messiah of course and I'm very partial to Mozart's Requiem, especially the Dies Irae. Don't care much for rock bands because they don't praise Me enough, except for those so-called Christian bands and, let's face it, they're crap."

There are no photos of God Himself as yet, though He has posted some nice snaps of His cat.

UPDATE: Since going to press, God's page has been removed from MySpace. According to uninformed sources, the owners of MySpace withdrew the account because the username 'god' is already being used by someone within the company.

God was unavailable for comment.

 

Mark of the Beast

World Saved by Power of Prayer

Evil averted on '666 day' by pious pastor and his pals

The power of prayerOn June 6th, 2006 the world was saved from tsunamis, earthquakes, famines and devastating comets by a handful of people and the power of prayer — and billions will never know how close they came to annihilation.

"Yep, we did it," smirked Patrick Beatitude, 53, Pastor of the Internet Church of Instant Salvation, North Carolina. "We've been warning the world for months that 6-6-06, the day that bears the Mark of the Beast, would bring down on the Earth a storm of terror and death. It was D-Day for the world. Only total subservience to God could prevent it. So my buddies and me spent the whole day on our knees, and look what happened. Nothing!"

Beatitude scoffs at people who suggest out that nothing might have happened anyway. "Those godless heathens don't know how lucky they are. We saved their sorry asses and we're not even charging them for it."

He also dismisses those who point out that the day includes a zero in the number, that it wasn't actually 666 but 6-6-06, or even 6-6-2006.

"They're just playing games with numbers," he said. "And when you're dealing with the presence of evil on the Earth, when Satan himself is about to lay waste to the entire planet, well that's no time to be playing games."

Beatitude also points out that he and no fewer than seven of the church's congregation prayed for the entire world, not just their own members or even just God-fearing people in North Carolina.

"That's right. We saved the entire planet," he points out. "I mean, I'm sure some people still had a bad day. You know, getting mugged and stuff. And I guess there were some of those third-world type countries where they still had, you know, wars and famines and things. But it was nothing like what it could have been. And here in North Carolina it was nothing but peace."

Beatitude is now planning a nationwide tour, a book and a DVD which will detail the devastation and suffering that would have been visited on the Earth but for prayer. He also said that his church would soon announce a range of forthcoming catastrophes including plagues, infestations and so-called 'natural' disasters. "We want to give people time to join with us to save the world. And to ensure that we can all work together to maximum effect in our selfless crusade, we have introduced a new range of membership options, some as cheap as $50 a month. Not bad for a shot at eternal salvation, huh?"

When asked if he could provide proof that he had saved the world through the power of prayer, Beatitude smiled and said: "It ain't about proof, it's about faith. And I wouldn't have it any other way."